Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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