chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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