i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
