remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Let's paint friendship bongs
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
