Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
