And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
