I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
