i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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