you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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