i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
