I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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