Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
