Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
