Don't you send me to vm
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
