So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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