You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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