Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
