Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
