if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
