im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
