I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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