You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
