Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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