If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
