I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
