Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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