Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
