Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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