Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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