today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We left an ass print on the piano.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
