I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
