Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
