I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
