i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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