I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
