did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
