I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
