I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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