youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My penis needs a shock collar
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
