low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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