Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
