I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
