you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
not ubering you a puppy
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
