im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
