she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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