my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
