we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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