The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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