I wanna bring you to show and tell
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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