You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
